Have you had "the talk" with your significant other yet?
If you are or have ever been in a long, serious relationship you probably already know that it comes a time when you need to have a sincere discussion about whether you are feeling ready to settle down or not.
When is the right time to start thinking about getting serious with someone? When is the appropriate age to start thinking about engagements, weddings and starting a family of your own? Are you ready to function as a couple financially?Are you compatible enough with each other so that going forward wouldn’t end in a colossal disaster?
I don’t know about you, but for me all of these questions give me a headache, not to mention the feeling of being sick in my stomach. Uncertainty sucks. But you know what? Getting hit by reality sucks more!
I’ve always considered myself a romantic person. I just never really cared for showing it. I am extremely private and very unlikely to start such a conversation with anyone, family, friend or boyfriend.
I used to ignore the thought of settling down for years, until I started seeing more and more of my old friends announcing engagements,weddings and pregnancies on Facebook. Oh, the social media plague! It’s like a Big Brother and I swear this is one of the times that I absolutely hate getting social media updates!
Sometime after the realization of getting older hit me, I started to play with the thought of getting engaged. I could see that my relationship was stable and mature enough to handle the big change.
I thought that most of the times, people tend to get engaged after being together for a number of years. We have been together for about seven & a half years now.
Is it really a matter of age or lack of experience?
For me, thinking about being too young to settle down and possibly missing on life experiences was certainly a factor back when I was twenty years old & in my first serious relationship. Now, the second time around, being twenty seven and happily with my boyfriend of almost eight years, the thought of settling down isn’t that appalling to me. That was just for the thought only.
Saying it out loud is a whole new ballgame
Let’s just take a moment to appreciate how embarassing admitting your own feelings out loud is, shall we? The first time my boyfriend brought up the subject, I almost choked on my meal! I must have looked really funny trying to fill the awkward moments of silence with general small talk, nodding in agreement while dancing around the subject.
As much as I hate admitting it, having this discussion is crucial for your relationship! It’s the only way to ensure that you are both on the same page and you are after the same things in life.
If you are 100% possitive that he/she is aware of your feelings and in aggreement with your plans for the future, you are on the right track.
External influences can set you back
You think you have finally made your mind about settling down. You have successfully lived through “the talk”, you are semi-comfortable about talking about it with friends or you have already set a joined life plan. Good for you!
There is one thing that has the potential to ruin your immediate plans and that is negative external influences.
The reason I decided to bring up this subject on the first place is that I recently became aware of how much emotional pressure my boyfriend is under due to his parents’ remarks about us moving together.
It’s not that they don’t believe in this relationship, it’s more like they don’t believe in our ability to cope with the change. Right now, our plans involve spending a significant amount of money in order to finish building our own house. The past six months I’ve already paid for contracts, architects & engineers in order to take official ownership of the property. We have to save up a good amount before we start calling in the workers.
My boyfriend told me that his parents “make fun of him” about not being enough of a grown-up to handle starting a family.They joke a lot about him being a geek, always playing video-games and watching series, like that couldn’t be the hobby of a grown up person!
It breaks my heart, seeing him so upset for that! To me, he is as reliable as it gets! He is loving, caring, honest and hardworking. He has made his own successful business from scratch and he truly inspires me every day!
I don’t want to get into extreme details on the things we have heard from our parents on this matter!
Coming from a Greek family, as soon as you announce your intentions to move out, you are constantly bombarded with comments specifically made to make you feel uncomfortable and fill you with doubt.
It’s like “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” on steroids!
Oh, well maybe I’ll write another post about my Greek Parents Syndrome! All the outrageous things they do, they come from a place of love, as is typical for all parents in my opinion.
What are your motives for settling down?
What I want and what I visualize is being with him all the time, not in a codependent way but just hanging out.
We are used to doing our own thing but just being on the same space gives us a unique sense of calmness.
Identify your vision of a good life
Make a plan together
Stick to the plan
Avoid negative thoughts
Keep each other accountable for your actions in a loving way
Make a long internal conversation with yourself about settling down emotionally
Visualize living a life you have no regrets for!
All in all, noone can tell you whether you are too young to settle down.
You need to feel it in your gut before you act!
Just remember to be true and honest with yourself and your partner!